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Genetic Amalgams

I am very glad that I didn't delete my journal back when I just sort of abandoned the whole thing. I still don't know why I did that since I enjoy (or at least did) writing here. I just lost interest which doesn't mean that I lost interest in my friends list, just in writing here for myself.

Anyway, I'm pretty much at a loss as to how to express this to the friends and family IRL since I don't even know what to tell them. I told my mom and she was, as expected, very mom-like i.e. well you have to make up your own mind about what to do and I'll be here for you. Made me feel like I'm 15 years old, not 33.

So, by estimation, I'm now 3 weeks pregnant. We weren't trying. This was a birth control failure and proof as to why Mel and I should never get romantic first thing in the morning since neither of us thought 'condoms' until after the fact. I feel like a total idiot.

I've been to two doctors due to severe abdominal pain and nausea. The first said 'congratulations' and 'that's normal'. Really? It feels like my utereus is trying to turn itself inside out and 'that's normal'? The second doctor said, 'wait and see but everything seems okay'.

But it's not okay. I'm not even sure I ever want kids. That's why I was so careful with birth control. I don't even know what to think. I'm trying to keep a handle on my emotions because that's pretty much what I do. I try not to let things get to me but I'm terrified.

I just don't think we're in a good spot for kids right now. We live in a one-bedroom, heat-lacking apartment. Mel hates his job and financially, it's tight. We're not starving but we're not exactly rolling in the spare cash either. And babies need stuff and stuff costs money.

Physically, I'm still cramping and I have no energy. I just want to sleep. I think it's a mixture of hormonal changes and being emotionally overwraught. I just want to curl up in bed and not come out. But I have to drag myself to work tomorrow and act like everything is normal. I don't want to tell my co-workers but I may end up telling my boss because I'm really not feeling well and I don't know if I'm going to be running around on the treatment floor like I usually do.

I just don't know what to do or even how to feel. I know I don't really want kids. At least I think I know that I don't. If I don't, I don't have a lot of time to play with before I'm outside of the abortion window. Oddly, I don't feel bad about making that decision but I do feel bad and am actually worried that I may be miscarrying and no one seems particularly concerned. No woman I've ever talked to has had these sharp cramps. On the upside (I guess) I'm not bleeding.

Then there's part of me that says: this is part of me. Part of me and part of Mel. We've been married 11 years, we're reasonably okay people, why don't we go ahead and pop out just one. At least breast milk is free and we both have jobs with health insurance. And my mom has already stated that she wants to babysit. Of course, this means that the baby will be drinking coffee early on and will gain an early appreciation of Walker Texas Ranger and any CSI program.

My head's spinning. I think I'm going to try to get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings.



( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 2nd, 2008 04:51 am (UTC)
I'm glad you didn't delete your journal. Whatever you decide to do, you're in my thoughts.

Dec. 3rd, 2008 12:54 am (UTC)
Thank you
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 3rd, 2008 12:55 am (UTC)
Thank you. Seriously, the universe just loves to throw curve balls
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 3rd, 2008 12:56 am (UTC)
I will. Thanks
Dec. 2nd, 2008 11:30 am (UTC)
Dec. 3rd, 2008 12:52 am (UTC)
Dec. 2nd, 2008 12:17 pm (UTC)
OMG, I know I haven't talk to you all in a while (over something, now looking back at it isn't that important), but I do want you to know that I've really missed you guys and that I'm sorry for not talking to you for so long. I hope that you're ok and that your not miscarrying. I know that you and Mel didn't want children, but if you do have the baby I hope that it'll work out. You guys are troopers and I think that you'll make great parents.
Dec. 3rd, 2008 12:52 am (UTC)
We miss you so much. How are things going for you?

Thanks for the support. I get the feelin a decision's been made no matter what. Thank you for everything
Dec. 2nd, 2008 03:32 pm (UTC)
I remember in my first trimester I could hardly keep my eyes open. I hope all goes well for you either way.
Dec. 3rd, 2008 12:49 am (UTC)
Thanks. I actually fell asleep while typing today. Weird
Dec. 2nd, 2008 07:04 pm (UTC)
Hey there... nausea is normal (but really annoying) but the pain is not. Please do find a doctor that will investigate/explain it to your satisfaction. My opinion is that you don't tell your work for as long as possible. If how you are feeling affects your work, just say you are "sick". Nausea is sickness, right?

Being pregnant right now myself (I'm 4.5 months along) I can tell you it's an amazing feeling IF you want it. I agree that you need to search your internal self (and Mel's) and figure out what is best for you.

The abortion window is a bit longer than most people think, but yes, earlier is better and safer for you. www.plannedparenthood.org has some great information, give them a call.

Good luck my dear, in whatever you decide to do. We are here for you.
Dec. 3rd, 2008 12:48 am (UTC)
Congratulations! Man, I've missed so much. Thanks for all of the support. I did let my boss know because I trust her kind of needed to vent. I also hit up my office mate, the dietician, for nutrition info but otherwise, not a word.

I feel like the decision has been made for me considering the cramping is getting worse. I'll be on my way to the doctor's tomorrow.
Dec. 3rd, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Please take care of yourself and let me know what the doctor says.

Some cramping is apparently normal, as it occurs when implantation occurs. It's not supposed to be super painful though. If you are having bad pain or any bleeding (or both), yes, go to a doctor who will not just brush you off.

Jan. 19th, 2011 07:35 am (UTC)
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( 14 comments — Leave a comment )



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