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It's That Time of Year Again

Reggae Fest! Time to kick back, relax, listen to some music, and drink some wine. Okay, maybe not so much the wine drinking since I'm trying to be really good with the whole diet thing. But definitely up for a good time this Saturday. And Friday is Artscape. Of course, it's going to be hot and sweaty. Traditionally, Artscape is always hot and sweaty. Perfect for standing outside and being uncomfortable. But I'm looking forward to that, too. Well, maybe not the hot and sweaty part but I am looking forward to the art, the music, and the people watching.

What a Heck of a Way to Wake Up

Nothing starts a morning off better than the sound of some guy screaming in pain after being maced/pepper sprayed. We have no idea what happened but at 1am we were awaked by screams of pain and the flashing lights of an ambulance and police cars. Some shirtless guy was sitting on the curb, screaming and yelling for water because he'd been 'tear gassed'. The paramedics were finally able to talk him into getting in the ambulance and going to the hospital to get his eyes flushed.
We figure there are several possibilities as to what happened: 1) he irritated/threatened one of the local working girls and got maced 2) he tried to rob someone and got maced 3) he was involved in some sort of domestic altercation and got maced. I'm betting on the first option. The working girls may look like easy targets but I wouldn't want to take one of them on in a fight.

Whew!

It is too damn hot. 100 degrees but it feels like 104. It's the extra 4 degrees that make all the difference. And we don't have air conditioning :( Well, we have some sort of 'cooling system' which mostly involves a bit of noise and some air shooting out of the vents but it's not enough to do anything. Anyway, the cats just lay on the vents and therefore all of the cool air just goes through their fur. Smart for them, boo for us.
I want some AC or to move some place nice and cool and dim. I'd say Alaska but there's the whole Sarah Palin thing

It's Been So Long

I remember when I posted everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. Interestingly enough, even with other sites like Facebook, I still prefer Livejournal. Not that I've posted here in awhile. Hibernation mode and all that.

Happy Holidays

Best wishes to everyone!

Almost Over

This has been the longest, bloodiest week ever for me. I ended up taking the whole week off and spent most of it sleeping on the couch and bleeding. Lots and lots of bleeding. And lots of Tylenol 3 for the cramps.

I only had one day when I felt really mentally out of it, probably from so much down time. I sometimes wish I cultivated more close friendships so I could have had someone come over to stay with me for a little while while Mel was at work. Actually, I know I could have asked a couple of people and they would have been there but, then again, I didn't feel like the stress of anyone coming over, even my mom who offered to scooted up. I just wanted to lay still and zone out to music and TV.

Now I'm back to feeling more normal and I go back to work on Monday. I have my follow up appointment next Saturday. I'm not 100% yet since I'm now exhausted from doing laundry and grocery shopping. But I'm better.

I just hope I never have to go through this again.

Almost over

Well, this past weekend was unpleasant but not unbearable. Friday night was awful and I'm still feeling some cramping. And I'm still bleeding but that's lessened significantly. The first was more blood than I've seen ever plus a nice bout of throwing up.

I don't regret my decision but I'm starting to wonder if I'm a little emotionally disconnected from everything. I got the impression at the clinic that I'm supposed to be very conflicted and broken up about everything. Or maybe I was just annoyed at being called 'sweetie' by all of the staff.

Overall, biological messiness aside, the experience was as positive as it could be. The clinic staff were nice and explained everything thoroughly. I was even given pain medication though I think I should have opted for Percacet rather than Tylenol 3.

I found out I was actually 6 weeks along rather than 3 which was disconcerting.

I feel very disjointed right now, probably due to the pain meds and the overall cabin fever-ness. I'm supposed to stay off of my feet for awhile and avoid vigorous activity. Of course, vigorous activity is part of my job so I'm off for today. I have a hard time with enforced rest.

Thank you for all of your support. It made this whole experience so much more bearable.

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Damn

Sadly, there will be no baby.

I knew this was coming. Social work training says go with the gut feeling and my gut feeling was that this was not to be. So, even though I knew this would be the decision, it's still painful. I go for the appointment on Friday. That's provided I don't start bleeding tonight or tomorrow since the cramps are worse.

Now I'm just laying here on the couch, trying to sort out the feelings. I feel like I should feel worse. This would have been our little genetic amalgam, a little us that could learn to work the remote and gnaw on the corner of my DS. It was the reason for my sudden love of cheese curls and keilbasa.

I know that we could have kids in the future and I know that now is just not the right time but that doesn't make it easier.

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Genetic Amalgams

I am very glad that I didn't delete my journal back when I just sort of abandoned the whole thing. I still don't know why I did that since I enjoy (or at least did) writing here. I just lost interest which doesn't mean that I lost interest in my friends list, just in writing here for myself.

Anyway, I'm pretty much at a loss as to how to express this to the friends and family IRL since I don't even know what to tell them. I told my mom and she was, as expected, very mom-like i.e. well you have to make up your own mind about what to do and I'll be here for you. Made me feel like I'm 15 years old, not 33.

So, by estimation, I'm now 3 weeks pregnant. We weren't trying. This was a birth control failure and proof as to why Mel and I should never get romantic first thing in the morning since neither of us thought 'condoms' until after the fact. I feel like a total idiot.

I've been to two doctors due to severe abdominal pain and nausea. The first said 'congratulations' and 'that's normal'. Really? It feels like my utereus is trying to turn itself inside out and 'that's normal'? The second doctor said, 'wait and see but everything seems okay'.

But it's not okay. I'm not even sure I ever want kids. That's why I was so careful with birth control. I don't even know what to think. I'm trying to keep a handle on my emotions because that's pretty much what I do. I try not to let things get to me but I'm terrified.

I just don't think we're in a good spot for kids right now. We live in a one-bedroom, heat-lacking apartment. Mel hates his job and financially, it's tight. We're not starving but we're not exactly rolling in the spare cash either. And babies need stuff and stuff costs money.

Physically, I'm still cramping and I have no energy. I just want to sleep. I think it's a mixture of hormonal changes and being emotionally overwraught. I just want to curl up in bed and not come out. But I have to drag myself to work tomorrow and act like everything is normal. I don't want to tell my co-workers but I may end up telling my boss because I'm really not feeling well and I don't know if I'm going to be running around on the treatment floor like I usually do.

I just don't know what to do or even how to feel. I know I don't really want kids. At least I think I know that I don't. If I don't, I don't have a lot of time to play with before I'm outside of the abortion window. Oddly, I don't feel bad about making that decision but I do feel bad and am actually worried that I may be miscarrying and no one seems particularly concerned. No woman I've ever talked to has had these sharp cramps. On the upside (I guess) I'm not bleeding.

Then there's part of me that says: this is part of me. Part of me and part of Mel. We've been married 11 years, we're reasonably okay people, why don't we go ahead and pop out just one. At least breast milk is free and we both have jobs with health insurance. And my mom has already stated that she wants to babysit. Of course, this means that the baby will be drinking coffee early on and will gain an early appreciation of Walker Texas Ranger and any CSI program.

My head's spinning. I think I'm going to try to get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings.

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woooooo!!!

I'm so excited right now that that's the most intelligent thing I can come up with. I just can't believe it :)