Best wishes to everyone!

This has been the longest, bloodiest week ever for me. I ended up taking the whole week off and spent most of it sleeping on the couch and bleeding. Lots and lots of bleeding. And lots of Tylenol 3 for the cramps.

I only had one day when I felt really mentally out of it, probably from so much down time. I sometimes wish I cultivated more close friendships so I could have had someone come over to stay with me for a little while while Mel was at work. Actually, I know I could have asked a couple of people and they would have been there but, then again, I didn't feel like the stress of anyone coming over, even my mom who offered to scooted up. I just wanted to lay still and zone out to music and TV.

Now I'm back to feeling more normal and I go back to work on Monday. I have my follow up appointment next Saturday. I'm not 100% yet since I'm now exhausted from doing laundry and grocery shopping. But I'm better.

I just hope I never have to go through this again.

Well, this past weekend was unpleasant but not unbearable. Friday night was awful and I'm still feeling some cramping. And I'm still bleeding but that's lessened significantly. The first was more blood than I've seen ever plus a nice bout of throwing up.

I don't regret my decision but I'm starting to wonder if I'm a little emotionally disconnected from everything. I got the impression at the clinic that I'm supposed to be very conflicted and broken up about everything. Or maybe I was just annoyed at being called 'sweetie' by all of the staff.

Overall, biological messiness aside, the experience was as positive as it could be. The clinic staff were nice and explained everything thoroughly. I was even given pain medication though I think I should have opted for Percacet rather than Tylenol 3.

I found out I was actually 6 weeks along rather than 3 which was disconcerting.

I feel very disjointed right now, probably due to the pain meds and the overall cabin fever-ness. I'm supposed to stay off of my feet for awhile and avoid vigorous activity. Of course, vigorous activity is part of my job so I'm off for today. I have a hard time with enforced rest.

Thank you for all of your support. It made this whole experience so much more bearable.

Sadly, there will be no baby.

I knew this was coming. Social work training says go with the gut feeling and my gut feeling was that this was not to be. So, even though I knew this would be the decision, it's still painful. I go for the appointment on Friday. That's provided I don't start bleeding tonight or tomorrow since the cramps are worse.

Now I'm just laying here on the couch, trying to sort out the feelings. I feel like I should feel worse. This would have been our little genetic amalgam, a little us that could learn to work the remote and gnaw on the corner of my DS. It was the reason for my sudden love of cheese curls and keilbasa.

I know that we could have kids in the future and I know that now is just not the right time but that doesn't make it easier.

I am very glad that I didn't delete my journal back when I just sort of abandoned the whole thing. I still don't know why I did that since I enjoy (or at least did) writing here. I just lost interest which doesn't mean that I lost interest in my friends list, just in writing here for myself.

Anyway, I'm pretty much at a loss as to how to express this to the friends and family IRL since I don't even know what to tell them. I told my mom and she was, as expected, very mom-like i.e. well you have to make up your own mind about what to do and I'll be here for you. Made me feel like I'm 15 years old, not 33.

So, by estimation, I'm now 3 weeks pregnant. We weren't trying. This was a birth control failure and proof as to why Mel and I should never get romantic first thing in the morning since neither of us thought 'condoms' until after the fact. I feel like a total idiot.

I've been to two doctors due to severe abdominal pain and nausea. The first said 'congratulations' and 'that's normal'. Really? It feels like my utereus is trying to turn itself inside out and 'that's normal'? The second doctor said, 'wait and see but everything seems okay'.

But it's not okay. I'm not even sure I ever want kids. That's why I was so careful with birth control. I don't even know what to think. I'm trying to keep a handle on my emotions because that's pretty much what I do. I try not to let things get to me but I'm terrified.

I just don't think we're in a good spot for kids right now. We live in a one-bedroom, heat-lacking apartment. Mel hates his job and financially, it's tight. We're not starving but we're not exactly rolling in the spare cash either. And babies need stuff and stuff costs money.

Physically, I'm still cramping and I have no energy. I just want to sleep. I think it's a mixture of hormonal changes and being emotionally overwraught. I just want to curl up in bed and not come out. But I have to drag myself to work tomorrow and act like everything is normal. I don't want to tell my co-workers but I may end up telling my boss because I'm really not feeling well and I don't know if I'm going to be running around on the treatment floor like I usually do.

I just don't know what to do or even how to feel. I know I don't really want kids. At least I think I know that I don't. If I don't, I don't have a lot of time to play with before I'm outside of the abortion window. Oddly, I don't feel bad about making that decision but I do feel bad and am actually worried that I may be miscarrying and no one seems particularly concerned. No woman I've ever talked to has had these sharp cramps. On the upside (I guess) I'm not bleeding.

Then there's part of me that says: this is part of me. Part of me and part of Mel. We've been married 11 years, we're reasonably okay people, why don't we go ahead and pop out just one. At least breast milk is free and we both have jobs with health insurance. And my mom has already stated that she wants to babysit. Of course, this means that the baby will be drinking coffee early on and will gain an early appreciation of Walker Texas Ranger and any CSI program.

My head's spinning. I think I'm going to try to get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings.

I'm so excited right now that that's the most intelligent thing I can come up with. I just can't believe it :)

Still can't shake off the bounds of laziness when it comes to posting so this is just a quick post about the upcoming NKF Kidney Walk on June 1st. If you're interested in walking or contributing, please go to the site and register.

Thanks

Yesterday, I saw a woman walking downtown in a skirt so short it was about a 1/4 inch from showing butt cheek and when I got home we were nearly axphysiated by a neighbor with more lighter fluid than culinary sense. Ah, spring time in Baltimore.

I'd like to say that we as a people are doing better. And we are in a lot of ways. But then I catch sight of gaggles of teenagers (and some people old enough to know better) walking around in pants hanging off their butts, t-shirts to the knees, and gold teeth (I loathe gold teeth) and I'm reminded that we still have a long way to go.

Either that or I'm old and just don't understand these young folks' ways.

Both of the clinics I work at are being audited. At the first clinic, I got into trouble because my notes weren't in the files. I had done the notes but had neglected to file them. The manager had a complete fit and I basically ended up feeling like crap and wanting to quit. I'm going to start sending out the ole resume which is a shame because I really like this job.

We found a new apartment and will be moving in May. We were planning on buying a house but with all of the foreclosure stuff going on, we just aren't that eager to jump into that. But the apartment is gorgeous. High ceilings, lots of windows, free high speed internet, a deck, on site washer/dryer, free storage. Basically, it's almost too good to pass up. Rent's a little higher than we wanted to go but we'll be able to get rid of the storage unit and landline and we won't be spending the $20/week to do laundry.

clearly that went out the window early on. I don't know why but I just haven't been in a very posting mood. Probably just part of my normal hibernation phase but this lasted longer than expected. It's not like there wasn't some post-worthy stuff going on; I just couldn't get myself to post about it. Instead I've found myself reading way too much Transformers fanfic. Who knew giant transforming robots could be so fascinating.

So I'm not even going to say I'm going to post more. No promises. But I do hope that everyone is doing well and that life is being kind to you.

So much for my plan to post more. I had wanted to post something everyday but I'm already slacking.

Nothing much going on. I'm getting over a cold and spending the day watching movies. So far, I've watched Close Encounters of The Third Kind and Return of the Jedi. Now I'm watching The Towering Inferno.

We're having chicken soup for dinner.

That's pretty much it. Looking at this post, I have to admit that my life is pretty darn boring.

Hopefully 2008 finds everyone healthy and content.

I only have one resolution this year: to reconnect. 2007 was a banner year for social hibernation so hopefully, in 2008, I'll break out of that rut. Other than that I just hope that 2008 will bring positive changes to everyone.

I hope everyone who celebrates it had a good Thanksgiving. We spent most of the day with the In Laws. Mel's mom just had cataract surgery and wasn't really up to cooking her usual holiday spread. She was pretty depressed about this because she prides herself on being able to cook up a holiday feast. We went out early to surprize her by making most of the foodb while she just sat and supervised. I made my first batch of homemade macaroni and cheese. I won't ever be doing that again. The results were delicious but it's too rich. I ended up using two boxes of macaroni, a stick of butter, and a couple of pounds of cheese. Even the BIL was tolerable.

Then it was off to the mom's. We just stopped by briefly. She wasn't feeling well but she did cook. She had her usual friends hanging about which, for once, wasn't annoying.

Today we spent the day with my mom and my Crazy Aunt. In a fit of turkey-induced insanity, I said that we'd take her shopping. I love my aunt. She's 88 years old and famously onery. A little of her goes a long way.

Today was actually pleasant. It helped that my mom was along to keep my aunt distracted. In the end, she only wanted to go to the grocery store and she insisted on giving us gas money for that even though the store is right down the street. She also showed us her handwritten funeral plans.

But it was fun and that's one familial obligation I can cross off the list.

Sometimes, most of the time, actually, I'm convinced that Mel is too good for me. Who else would have spent last Friday standing in line for the grand opening of a supermarket to get his mother-in-law a free ham. So it's not even the things that he specifically does for me, it's what he's willing to do for my mom, who can be ridiculously needy at times and sometimes seems to forget that we have things to do other than take her shopping or pick up free hams.

I love him even when he makes me crazy.

In the past four weeks I:

Quit my job
Had one week off with Mel to run around and goof off
Came down with an upper respitory infection
Started a new job

The new job is a welcome change. The atmosphere is much better and I don't have to do home visits. It's a very different setting but, as my former Evil Boss said, Change is Good.

Finally, some decent weather. I hate the summer. It's all hot, sweaty, and summery. Fall is so nice and cool and I can finally bake something without turning the kitchen into a suana. Which explains why I have pumpkin muffins in the oven right now. Mmmm...a hot pumpkin muffin and a hot cup of cinnamon coffee.

I know spring is usually thought of as the time of renewal but for me fall is the time of rebirth and positive change. Of course, my mindset could have a lot to do with the fact that I'm getting ready to start a new job and leave behind Crazy Boss.

I put in my letter of resignation on Wednesday. Basically, I'm done with this job. I'm done with my boss finding fault with everything I do, I'm done with all of the gossip and being threatened with being written up, I'm done with killing myself trying to handle these cases and being called a whiner if I complain.

Basically, I'm done.

Unfortunately I don't have a definite job lined up but I have enough time built up to actually take a couple of weeks off while I wait for a temp assignments. I've also had a couple of very productive interviews and meet for a final interview with one job next week. I totally had my fingers crossed when I told people I had a job; hopefully I wasn't telling a total lie.

Interestingly enough, the Big Cheese was really upset about my plans to leave. He wants me to take the weekend to think about it. I'm going to write him a nice, professional letter explaining why I feel that moving on is the best thing for me. Then, Monday, I have to start printing out the letters for my clients.

The sucky thing is that today I just got that new computer they've been promising since forever.